


Peanut Butter

by Trifoliate_undergrowth



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, IDIOTS in mutual pining, Indirect Kiss, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Sign Language, and it's Gordon here, every fandom I assign someone high Int-low Wis, highly educated dumbass!!, how tf do i tag this, incredibly homoerotic friendship, intricate rituals: the fic, nonverbal Gordon, they don't even kiss it's just a lot of awkward flirting and laughter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29201979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trifoliate_undergrowth/pseuds/Trifoliate_undergrowth
Summary: Local MIT graduate, Level C Black Mesa scientist, and complete dumbass Gordon Freeman gets gum stuck in his goatee (again!) and Barney offers to help him get it out, resulting in possibly the weirdest homoerotic experience he’s ever had; as he’s got his friend’s beautiful face gently cupped in his hands but it’s because he’s trying to smear peanut butter on him and said beautiful friend is reacting to this like a cat reacts to being bathed. Monkey’s paw kind of thing.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	Peanut Butter

Every now and then, Barney’s shift lined up with normal science team hours, and he and Gordon would get off work around the same time. He’d usually wait at the tram station for him on those days, at least to say hello before they went their separate ways. Today Gordon wasn’t showing up, though, and Barney was starting to wonder if he should either head home or go look for him when he noticed something moving further down the passage.

“Gordon!” he called, and knew Gordon saw him because he paused and looked towards him, then shuffled away. He ran after him. “Gordon? Hey, are you okay?”

Gordon signed a dismissive “yes” over his shoulder, walking purposefully into a dark space where the lights had gone out, even though Barney was pretty sure that wasn’t the way he should be going. He ran around in front of him, flicked his flashlight on and shone it in his face. Gordon stopped, wincing against the light, and put a hand up pleadingly. There was pink all over his chin.

“AGAIN?!” yelled Barney, lowering the flashlight slightly.

Gordon signed a tired “don’t.”

“This is the second time this month,” said Barney, disregarding his plea.

Gordon huffed, looking off toward the tram tracks.

“Gordon! Come on, you’re a rocket scientist!”

“Physicist. Anyway, this is neither rockets nor science,” Gordon signed sharply, “it’s gum!”

“You understand the physics of how gum works right? How gum uh, sticks in hair? Like beard hair? Like the hair on your face? Around your mouth?”

“I know how it works I just forget,” signed Gordon.

“How many times has this happened now?”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“Yes it does! You’re going to go home and shave it, like last time?”

Gordon frowned, sighed, “yes.”

“Dude. You don’t look right without your goatee.”

“I agree.”

“It just finished growing back after the _last_ incident! Come on, you look strange when you’re all smooth.”

Gordon slumped defeatedly and rubbed his neck. “…But as you’ve pointed out, I’m covered in gum. Again.”

“You are! You are covered in gum! Hey, tell me the truth, was there a moment where you started to blow a bubble and went ‘huh I probably shouldn’t do this’ but did it anyway? Or did you genuinely forget how that always goes until you were trying to pull gum out of your goatee?”

“Don’t remember. It doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Don’t, though, don’t shave it. Uh, we can fix this.”

“How?”

Barney grinned. “I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve. Do you have, like, a comb you can find?”

Gordon winced. “Yes but I’d rather shave than try to comb it out. It’s really stuck in there.”

“Don’t worry, that’s not my plan. But if you can get a comb it might help. I will gather my own secret materials,” he snapped his fingers and winked, “meet me in the bathrooms by the lab alright? I think I can save the goatee.”

Gordon gave him a suspicious look. “Is this a joke? Though I doubt you could make it worse.”

“Hey!! Come on, buddy, trust me. I’m hurt.”

Gordon shrugged, still looking doubtful. “Alright.”

Barney didn’t have any peanut butter. But he knew that Javier did, and his locker was right next to his, and was never locked, because the only thing in there was Javier’s body armor and his peanut butter. Barney only needed to use a little bit, anyway; he’d explain the situation to him later, he was sure he wouldn’t mind. He was on a mission of mercy. Gordon’s carefully groomed goatee was a work of art and he could not allow it to be vandalized by gum _again_. He chuckled. Big brained scientist can’t remember cause and effect well enough to take care of his own beard. It was kind of cute in an absolutely infuriating way.

Gordon had found a comb when he joined him in the bathroom. “Excellent,” said Barney, hopping up to sit on the sink. “and I have the peanut butter, so this should work just fine.”

Gordon looked at the peanut butter jar in disbelief, then at Barney. “Peanut butter?”

“Peanut butter! Gets gum out of hair.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah! I got gum in my sister’s hair one time and was forced to help her get it out as punishment for my crimes. It was frustrating but it did work eventually.” He rattled the jar on the sink counter. “Life hack!”

“So—what’s the comb for?”

“To help get it in there, mostly, maybe help pull it off once it’s greased up enough.”

Gordon grimaced. “So you are going to just. Put peanut butter on my face.”

“You could do it yourself.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You’re the one who put the gum there to begin with.”

“By accident! I didn’t know what I was doing then either!”

“It’s pretty simple you… Get the peanut butter around the gum so it makes it slide off the hair. It’s not rocket science.”

“It’s not! Which means,” Gordon signed with some humor, “That I am completely lost.”

“Fine, you are a helpless baby, get over here and I’ll do it.” Good thing he was sitting on the sink, it gave him a good angle to comfortably reach Gordon’s face; which was, quite a thought, that he was going to try not to think about too hard right now, because he was on a peanut butter mission and could not afford to be distracted by Gordon putting his face really very close to his for completely frustrating and not gay reasons. He wasn’t sure if it made it worse or better that Gordon seemed a bit awkward about it as well, coming over and then sort of hovering to his side out of reach while he opened the peanut butter jar. Ah. He didn’t remember to grab a spoon. That’s fine, his fingers were clean. ….He’d scoop out the finger marks later, didn’t wanna gross Javi out too much. “OK, lean down,” he gestured with the peanut butter.

Gordon gave the peanut butter a final disbelieving look, sighed, signed “this is going to be gross ok go ahead” and moved over to be more accessible. Which meant positioning himself between Barney’s knees and leaning in a little. That was cool! That was fine.

Okay. He had the gum worked in pretty good. Fortunately it was mostly on one side of his chin, he focused on trying to get the peanut butter around that spot. It was not easy because the hair was very short and didn’t give him much space to work with. Boy, at least for that episode with his sister the gum was halfway down long hair and you could actually reach all around it, this was going to be even worse than that. Except it was Gordon and at least he wasn’t crying hysterically and threatening to kill him and hide his body in a Wendy’s dumpster, so, already a bit of an improvement. Gordon was squinting slightly at what was probably a very weird, greasy sensation, but otherwise putting up with it fine. Barney was just thinking a normal amount about what a weird sensation it was to have Gordon’s face cupped in his hands and why the fuck was this his life, why was it to rub peanut butter in his beard, why was that how this went down, come on. Okay, whatever, fine, it was going fine.

“I don’t think it’s working,” Gordon signed.

“I just started, you have to give it time to get in there!”

Gordon sighed and leaned forward, resting his hands on the counter on either side of Barney, which, in all honesty, he could not avoid noticing a non-straight amount because holy fuck. Anyway, that was probably more comfortable. And did make it easier to reach his face. Because it was a lot closer. He tried to focus on getting the gum loosened up and nothing else. Like how Gordon shut his eyes and leaned into the touch (because he had to, he was cooperating a normal amount) and how different the texture of his skin looked close up. He had the faintest suggestion of freckles across his cheeks—he’d never noticed that before. And a faint scar at the outside of his lower lip. He wondered where that came from.

Peanut butter. He focused on the prosaic reality of peanut butter.

He was doing great, actually, until Gordon cocked his head to the side and licked some of the extra peanut butter off the side of his hand.

“Um. Excuse me?”

Gordon just looked at him and swallowed the peanut butter. He did not look sorry. It occurred to Barney that he’d effectively muted himself by deciding to lean on his hands. He didn’t seem to be bothered by that either. He licked off some more peanut butter that had gotten on his lip.

Barney, scrambling for some sense of normalcy, came up with a theory. “…Did you have dinner?”

Gordon hesitated for a suspicious length of time before nodding once.

“Did you eat something that _wasn’t_ gum or peanut butter?” Barney clarified, narrowing his eyes.

Gordon shifted his weight and looked off to the side.

“Gordon. No wonder you’re doing stupid stuff with gum you probably have low blood sugar.”

Gordon huffed dismissively, then screwed his face up trying to get more peanut butter into his mouth. He couldn’t reach it, it was down on his chin. But he was trying very hard.

“Cut it out that’s supposed to stay where it is—hey, hey! Here, I’ll get you some. God it’s like trying to bathe a cat,” Barney muttered, scooping up some more peanut butter. Then he paused, wondering how to handle this. “Um.”

Gordon, obviously not deterred by the general absurdity of the situation, opened his mouth expectantly. Barney swore and laughed.

“Don’t bite me, kay?” he said, attempting to smear off the peanut butter on Gordon’s mouth; Gordon, apparently taking this warning to heart, very gently licked the peanut butter off his fingers which, okay, Jesus fuck, that sure was an experience he was having. Okay. Don’t make this weirder than it already is, don’t make this weirder than it already is… He returned his focus to the gum, right the gum, the reason they were in here. He’d loosened it a bit. He tried to tug it out gently with the comb and Gordon, following the motion with his whole head to avoid it pulling at his skin, headbutted him right in the face with a pained whine. Barney, already close enough to hysteria, broke down in helpless laughter.

“Okay. Okay, back up a bit.”

Gordon shifted his weight, leaning his hips against the counter and lifting his hands to sign “it’s not working.” He was. _Really_ close now.

“It’s working,” said Barney, composing himself with an effort, “I just got impatient.”

“Hurt.”

“Alright, I’ll try not to do that again.”

Gordon sighed and leaned forwards across Barney’s chest to grab the peanut butter, scoop out a big glob and cram it in his mouth, an experience Barney only survived because Gordon got peanut butter on his shirt and was generally an unsexy slob about it. As it was he was alarmingly close to just grabbing him by the collar and kissing him (peanut butter be damned, it was getting everywhere regardless.) Instead he grabbed him, moved him back to where he could easily reach his chin and did his best to push the peanut butter under the gum with the comb, which made Gordon frown and move his head away, which did not help him not tug on his hair.

“Stop moving. Stop moving! You’re not helping me help you!”

Gordon stilled, finally, chin resting in Barney’s hand. Getting peanut butter on it. Very cute other than that. How was he going to fucking survive this experience this was too many different emotions at once.

And then he heard the bathroom door swing open and Dr. Kleiner say “Oh, hello boys!”

He froze, mentally visualizing how this scene must look from the door. Him sitting between the sinks, Gordon leaning over him as if about to kiss him, while instead of this happening he combed peanut butter into his beard. The open peanut butter jar next to him and the absolutely overpowering smell of it. This was… going to take some explaining, no matter what—

Dr. Kleiner walked past them and disappeared into one of the stalls, humming under his breath.

Barney made eye contact with Gordon and they both started giggling. Gordon leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together, his whole body shaking.

By the time Dr. Kleiner reappeared they had mostly recovered (Gordon was still quivering a little) and Barney was carefully rubbing at the gum from a respectful distance. Dr. Kleiner turned on the sink to Barney’s right and stuck his nose into the peanut butter jar while the water was warming up.

“Peanut butter!” he said, as if this was some kind of revelation.

“Yeah, he uh, got gum in his beard,” said Barney, in a calm ‘this is completely normal!’ tone. Gordon chuckled a moment later and it nearly got him. He forced himself to take a deep breath.

“Oh, fascinating. I’d guess it’s the oils that help get it out? Cooking oil would probably work too, then?”

“I mean I guess? I don’t have any of that, but I’ve got peanut butter.”

“Well, that’s clever! Don’t want to have to shave again, Gordon?”

Gordon shook his head, pulling his chin away from Barney’s hand. The peanut butter made a gross sucking noise. Is this hell, thought Barney, am I in hell?

“Wait a moment,” said Dr. Kleiner, “Was that why you shaved the first time? I thought you just wanted to change things up.”

Gordon plopped his chin back in Barney’s hand and pretended not to hear him.

“Gordon, has this happened before?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny,” smiled Barney. Gordon sighed.

Dr. Kleiner laughed. “Well, I should hardly talk, considering you’ve witnessed me set myself on fire before. Quite the pair of geniuses, we are. Good luck with the gum!” he shook his hands off, spraying them both with water, and walked out, humming.

They both lost it the second he was out, laughing until there were tears in their eyes.

“OK, I think I can get it out,” gasped Barney, wiping his eyes and getting peanut butter on his cheek. Gordon attempted to brush it off and got more peanut butter on him; looked at his peanut-buttered hand in dismay and sucked off some of the peanut butter, trying to clean up. (You could do that to my face, some unhinged part of Barney’s brain considered saying.) He gently slid the comb under the gum and tugged. It gave a little, but then Gordon headbutted him again, whining. “Stop it it’s almost out! Gordon I can’t SEE!” He pushed him back and pulled the gum out, done with trying to take it slow. For a minute he couldn’t believe he’d done it. Apparently neither could Gordon, who kept cringing for a couple seconds before noticing the gum in his hand.

“Success!” said Barney.

Gordon stood up and felt his chin, smiling in delight.

“You’re, uh, still covered in peanut butter,” said Barney, and started to laugh again. “Holy shit you look like some kind of swamp creature.”

“A swamp creature with no gum in his fur,” Gordon signed, still grinning.

It took a lot of soap and hot water to clean off all the peanut butter, and he was probably going to have trouble cleaning the grease stains off his shirt, but eventually they were cleaned up, free of peanut butter, and Gordon’s goatee was still intact. He stroked it happily as they walked back to the tram together.

“Get something to eat, okay?” Barney said to him.

He shrugged. “I’ve had peanut butter.”

“Peanut butter isn’t a meal!”

Gordon took a pack of gum out of his pocket.

“Neither is gum! Gordon?” He grabbed Gordon’s wrist, keeping the gum away from his mouth. “Gordon look at me—”

“I’m not blowing any bubbles! I’ve learned my lesson.”

“You’d better have. How long did that take, like half an hour? It felt like half an hour. Another half hour to get the peanut butter off.”

“I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“No? You complained enough.”

“I have sensitive skin.”

“Heh.”

The tram station was deserted, a cold draft rushing from the tunnels. It was peaceful, for several long moments—just the rushing wind, the ambient idle of machinery in the rooms around them and Gordon chewing his gum. Then there was a quiet, unmistakable pop of gum. Barney whipped around just in time to see him pulling the shreds of a popped bubble back into his mouth, staring absently off across the tracks. Noticing Barney’s expression, he started to sign

“What—?” but halfway through he realized, and his hands froze, then instead, slowly, he signed “I did it again.”

“You did do it again,” said Barney.

Gordon pondered this for a moment, then shrugged and resumed chewing his gum. Barney, finally losing his last shred of sanity, pried his mouth open, took the gum away from him, popped it into his own mouth and started chewing.

Gordon just stared at him for a few moments, mouth still slightly open.

“You can’t be trusted with this,” said Barney, snapping the gum between his teeth. His heart was pounding as he tried not to think about what a weird fucking thing that was to do and how many lines he’d just crossed and after everything else they’d done tonight did he finally fuck it up?

Gordon slumped forwards, shaking with laughter; a slowly growing attack that had him struggling for breath. Barney nearly choked himself on the gum as he was pulled in, laughing in relief and shock and he wasn’t even sure what, and Gordon steadied himself with a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, and they were going to be alright.

He blew a bubble, once he’d caught his breath and could keep from laughing long enough.

“You’re mocking me,” Gordon signed, smiling. Barney just grinned back.

Barney woke up next morning thinking “What the _fuck_ was that.” Not a dream, apparently, though that was his first thought—his dreams weren’t that detailed and linear, he could remember waving goodbye to Gordon, coming back to the topside dorms, getting undressed, still laughing a little bit—okay, so, reality. What the fuck. He needed to talk to Gordon.

He didn’t see him along the trams, which was honestly probably better since they wouldn’t have been able to stop and talk anyway, but it still frustrated him, and he was distracted as he headed to the lockers to pick up his armor, barely registering that there seemed to be a lot of yelling until Javier stepped right in front of him and he caught the last part of what he was yelling, “—Peanut butter!!”

“Huh?” he said, freezing. He processed now that several other guards were clustered around with the delighted expressions of people with a juicy mystery to solve.

“Someone STOLE my PEANUT BUTTER,” Javier said, shoving the jar at him.

“No, it’s worse than that. As you can see, they returned the peanut butter,” said Otis slowly, obviously building up to something.

“—with fucking FINGER MARKS IN IT??” Javier unscrewed the lid and showed him. “Jesus who would even DO something like that? They just stuck their HANDS in there?!”

“That’s disgusting,” said Redd, who’d been cackling since Barney had noticed him and didn’t seem inclined to stop.

“Wow oh my God,” said Barney faintly, “that’s. Yikes.”

He’d meant to scoop out the finger marks before putting the peanut butter back, but he’d obviously been too busy thinking gay thoughts to remember. Not that he could’ve really hidden just how much of it was missing, considering how much of it Gordon had eaten—not that he really blamed Gordon, considering he hadn’t told him it was stolen peanut butter, and had been rubbing it around right under his nose while he was hungry.

“I know!!” Javier continued, “I don’t know _anyone_ who’d do that, seriously what the fuck!!”

“Got any leads, Mr. Calhoun?” asked Otis with a grin. “Seen any suspicious characters snooping around the lockers lately?”

“Uhh, no? Just me.” Oops. Fortunately no one called him on that. He was a little surprised. He must not seem like the kind of trash gremlin who sticks his fingers into other people’s peanut butter and then puts it back.

“I can’t believe this,” Javier grumbled, tossing the peanut butter in the garbage. “There goes my snack. No way am I eating it now.”

Barney considered admitting his guilt. He decided not to.

“So—uh, I was thinking about heading into town today,” he said—and he hadn’t been, but he was now; he had to make peanut butter reparations somehow—“and I could get you another jar to make up for—whatever the hell happened with that one, geez, that’s crazy. So like, tell me if you need anything.”

At least he wasn’t thinking about Gordon after that. At least not until he ran into him in the hall, standing with several of the other scientists. The others didn’t look up but Gordon noticed him, eyes sparkling, and signed for him to wait a minute, then began rummaging in the pockets of his lab coat. A moment later he pulled out something small and showed it to him with a grin. It took him a minute to identify what it was. A small snack-size container of peanut butter.

He doubled over with a startled wheezing sound that made all the scientists look at him. He coughed reflexively, excused himself and hurried away before he could pass out in the hallway—just noticing as he left that Gordon _winked_ at him.

Around the corner he leaned into the wall and went into a silent, shaking laughter fit. This was going to kill him, but at least he’d die happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I think this might genuinely be the WEIRDEST thing I have written! Whatever!! I give you peanut butter fic, unasked-for, unlooked-for, but here it is. Bone appleteeth I guess. I described it to a friend and got “ok good luck, I will not under any circumstances be reading that tho”.   
> Anyways. Gordon knows what’s up. “Oh nooo I couldn’t possibly do this myself I don’t know howww, you’ll just have to help me, here let me rest my chin in your hands OwO this is cute right? This is a cute boyfriend thing to do I saw it on the internet”   
> As for Barney stealing the gum has big Benrey energy… cursed  
> As for waking up thinking “what the FUCK was last night about” uhhh. That was directly inspired by my own thoughts about this fic the morning after waking up from starting it very late at night, and was the first semi-coherent thought I had after starting to freak out bc I thought I was back at my parents’ house and then momentarily thinking I was 6 years older than I am for some reason. fun times!


End file.
